Learning about the positive and negative traits of each of these colors has been quite a telling experience. Most of all, it has made some of the experiences of my life make a lot more sense. (There will be much much more on this at another time).
This past week has been one of the most difficult weeks of my life. It's hard to explain exactly why, because this week has simply been being put off for the past year and a half. Israel and I had an official breakup (that wasn't the hard part) and then, as I thought we were "being friends" and being "amicable" with things for the sake of our daughter, he had to tell me out of the blue that he is completely miserable around me, hasn't liked me in a long while, and so on and so forth. So then, you add insult to injury, and I was an emotional mess. I went all sorts of "shut down" mode on him. I left his house, refused to speak to him through the weekend unless it was about his child, and demanded that we come up with some sort of visitation schedule so I could see him as little as possible... which is a very difficult thing to do when he wants to see our daughter all the time, he lives downtown, and I live 20 minutes away. Basically it means that I get off work, pick her up from day care, take her to his house, go to the nearest coffee shop (or bar) and twiddle my thumbs for an hour, then get home right in time to get her ready for bed and put her in bed. But that's another story/rant all of its own.
So now, having made it past the first week of my "punishing" behavior, I am in a much better state mentally to sit back and make inferences. So some observations from the week:
1. Maybe he is just clueless?
On Sunday, we met Israel for church, like we normally do. Generally, I am really not a churchgoer, but I have been going with him for so long that I actually have come to enjoy the break from my week and the "church family." Not to mention, it is usually the one day during the week that I feel I am treated as an equal by Israel. (I still haven't figured this one out yet... but who am I to ask questions?) As Ella'Lin and I were leaving, he asked me, "Is everything okay? Are you okay?" I imagine I must have given him a look that could make a man's testicles shrivel up to the size of walnuts. "No, I'm not okay! But it's not your concern, remember? Not your problem." How could he tell me merely 12 hours earlier that I make him absolutely miserable and that he essentially hates me, and then act suddenly concerned about how I may feel? Maybe his recollection of the night is a bit different than mine...
2. He wants a medal for being an adult.
Israel just started working... after countless months of unemployment. He doesn't seem to understand why I don't feel the least bit bad about how "busy" he has suddenly become. I don't know, perhaps he's right-- perhaps I am just a bitch. Afterall, I have worked 2 jobs our entire relationship, paid all the bills, given up a lifestyle COMPLETELY not conducive to having a baby, had a baby, and been a damn good (single) mother to said baby for the past 10 months.... how would I know what it's like to be busy? I shouldn't be so quick to pass judgment. Then there are the comments, such as, "the apartment that I am struggling to pay for and am sacrificing so much for..." Really? What a sacrifice for you to pay your own way and get a place for you to declare your new man cave. Such a sacrifice!! Newsflash!! Just because you're paying the bills and paying your own rent for the first time in several months (and saying it's my fault for kicking you out of my house), does not make you a "good man." It makes you an adult. Congratulations. You are not a 28 year old adult. Welcome to adulthood!
3. Maybe it is for show?
Israel and I are not Facebook friends. For good reason, really. When we were, I would see his posts about his unreasonable bitchy baby's mama and then get pissed that he would have the nerve to say that... and then, when we weren't friends and I would still see his posts, I would just see him bitching about me and how much he wants to see his kid and that I wont' let him, and then I would just get pissed about how much of it was lies (or partial truths). Now, I don't see anything and it is definitely for the best... because I have to admit I might castrate the man if I saw the things he said about me. It's one thing to infer, it's another to actually see the proof. On a couple different occasions, he has told me that he would drop everything with an hour's notice just to be with his kid. So, trying to be a good baby's mama-- which seems to have become an unhealthy obsession of mine lately-- I called him last Monday to see what "the schedule" was:
I offered to bring her by Monday. He declined saying "it would be too hard for me to do that because I had places I needed to be and I wouldn't have time." Nice try, I said it was okay, I offered, now say yes or no. He said no.
Tuesday he worked a night shift, so that was an obvious no go.
Wednesday, we talked about the possibility of me bringing her by for a visit before heading back to Sandy. I agreed to do so. He then suggested that since he had the day off on Thursday, he should just keep her over night on Wednesday. Originally, I said no, because I wanted to be able to spend time with her too. Come Wednesday, late morning, I told him that it actually did make some sense for him to just keep her over night and that it would be fine with me and to let me know. That night, when I went over there, he said that he couldn't because "he had plans" that night. I thought it was amusing that he wasn't all that ready to "drop everything at an hour's notice"... but whatever. I left her there for awhile, came back, we went home.
Thursday, I dropped her off in the morning to spend the day with him for his day off. I had told him earlier that week in our "talk" about schedules that I needed to show my boss's rental property to some people on Thursday night, so I wouldn't be able to pick her up right away. In the morning, he told me that he "had plans" and needed me to pick her up within the hour after work. Great. Fucking great. 0-3 right there.
So... does offering to take your child and trying to take your child get you off the Deadbeat Dad list, when in actuality you have no intention of doing so?
Yesterday, we talked about the schedule for the week (again). Today was his day off... and he said that he anticipated a late night last night (working), so it would work best if I could drop off Ella'Lin at lunch. I told him that would work out just fine. He called me a little bit before lunch going on about how he never got back into town until almost 2 a.m., and that he had so much he needed to get done today during business hours, and that he really needed to rest up, too, and that he could maybe pay me some money today, and so on and so forth. "So.... you don't want to take your child today is what you're telling me?"
Which leads me to my awesomely passive aggressive Facebook Status Update (that I did not actually post).
"I'm sorry, Ella'Lin. I'm too tired and too busy to be a parent today. Can we try again tomorrow?"
And of course, it made me start thinking about:
"Luxuries" Not Experienced By Single Parents / AKA Things You Do That I Can Not Do:
* Calling in sick to parenthood;
* Making plans;
* Keeping plans;
* Last minute out of town "business" trips;
* Staying up late for one reason or another;
* Passing out wherever I happen to be at the time;
* Karaoke night at your favorite bar every week;
* Taking the day off for oneself;
* Taking a 4-month sebatical (spelling??) to Florida.
... Apparently list-making comes from the "blue" side of my personality. Another trait from the blue? Unforgiving.
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